So Complicated, So Frustrated

Yes, I am fully aware that those are lyrics to a Carolyn Dawn Johnson song. And, unfortunately, that is the perfect description of many situations between boys (men) and girls (women). In talking with one of my good girl friends recently, I realized how many women get frustrated when they don't know what to do when it comes to the men they are interested in. (I am going to put a disclaimer here: What you are about to read below has been written by a somewhat scatter-brained female who has been running on little sleep. If this blog seems random, it's because it is.)

In most relationships (though I'm no expert here), it takes a little time to get out of the "I'm trying to look my best to impress you" phase and get into the "I've decided to just be myself because I'm tired of taking so much time to get ready and you're eventually going to have to see me the way that I am" phase. The amount of time going from phase 1 to phase 2 differs based on the couple, but you have to be patient. You will eventually get to where you are totally comfortable with the other person and you aren't trying to put up a front anymore, but you're being yourself. (though if you have been friends for quite some time, this may be easier) Guys & girls, if you think someone is worth taking a risk with, give that person some time to break out of phase 1 into phase 2. You won't necessarily get to know the true person with only 3 dates. Give him or her a chance. You would want them to do the same for you.

To better explain my point, I am going to use an example. It's like trying to find a new church. You visit one Sunday, but you can't make a decision based on one Sunday. The first week you visitied, they could've been doing things differently and it wasn't a typical Sunday. You have to visit several times to really see if that's the right place for you. You have to make an effort to get involved. In comparing this with dating, you have to be able to give the other person a chance. Give him or her some time because maybe they're a little nervous or having a bad day and you're not really getting to see that person for who he or she is.

About 2 years ago, I went on a few dates with a guy and when things fizzled, I felt like he didn't know the real me. We'd only been on 3 dates and I was still in the "I'm trying to impress you" phase and I was trying to impress him with my super straight hair and cute attire. Needless to say, once things fizzled, I found myself feeling like he hadn't really given me a chance to get to know me. Granted, it helps to be in an atmosphere that's comfortable and more relaxed (such as a hike at Radnor Lake..well, for me at least) instead of in a fancy restaurant, but we can't always be in our element all the time. What I'm saying is that we have to give people a chance and not just judge them based on one or two dates.

Sometimes it's difficult for a woman to show a man that she's interested in him without him freaking out or thinking she's too forward. The man has to be the one to take the initiative. It shows that he understands his role as a leader and that is important. The tricky thing is when a man is interested in a woman and she is interested in him, but maybe she has a hard time showing her interest in him. Will the guy continue to show interest if she doesn't seem to reciprocate? (even when she really does, but has a difficult time conveying it) This is why communication is important, but so is patience.

On the flip side, what do you do when you attract someone you aren't interested in? That's always a touchy subject. You don't want to hurt the person's feelings, but you don't want to lead that person on. Some people choose to distance themselves in hopes that the interested person would lose interest. Unfortunately, not all people get that hint, so sometimes honesty is the best route. When I say honesty, I don't mean brutal honesty. There is a difference. You can say it in a nice way without being more hurtful than you have to be.

The other issue is when you are in a relationship and the other person ends it for one reason or another, but that person doesn't give a reason. Guys, when you do this, you leave the woman wondering what is wrong with her or what she did to make you end the relationship. It doesn't matter if you tell her that it's not her fault. She will blame herself. In order to save her the time that she will spend over-analyzing the situation and hating herself, please just do her a favor and give her a valid reason for ending the relationship. Closure can be painful, but it helps you move on. Be honest and explain why you feel like the relationship needs to end. If it is some strange quirk that she may have, please tell her (nicely) so that she can be aware of it and maybe work on it. Girls, I'm not saying that just because one guy doesn't like one of your quirks that you have to change. I believe that God has someone out there for each of us that is perfect for us and who will love our flaws and quirks. Guys, please please please, save women the time and be honest with us. (and if possible, please give closure when ending a relationship)

In writing this blog, I am realizing all the more how much women really do blame themselves for the demise of their relationships. (whether it's their fault or not) I wish I better understood why we immediately question ourselves and think we must be unattractive or horrible people because one guy has decided we're not right for him. I think sometimes it has to do with our own self-esteem. We have to be confident enough in who we are so that we're not looking for validation from someone else. I'm not saying that's always the case, but it could be part of the problem. Even though break-ups can be really painful (believe me, I've been there), I think the important thing to focus on is that God has someone out there for each of us. Why waste your time crying over a guy or girl who isn't interested in you?

One more thing before my eyes shut permanently....I want you to read this next sentence VERY carefully. It may change your life. Are you ready? Ok... You DO NOT have to be perfect to be in a relationship. (*gasp!*) You don't have to be at a certain point to be in a relationship. If you are waiting for that time, you may miss out on a great relationship because you will never be perfect. In a relationship, both people work together to help each other through their frustrations, problems, and issues. That's how you grow together. You need to be open and honest and share what you're struggling with because then you know how to support one another and pray for one another. That's what relationships are all about.

So, despite my randomness and sleepy brain, I hope I conveyed something to you that will help along your journey. I'd love to hear any more thoughts/comments on the subject too, so comment away!

When helping really does hurt

So, I'm in the process of reading a book called "When Helping Hurts" by Corbett & Fikkert. I haven't read very far yet, but the purpose of the book is to identify things we may be doing as we go overseas to "help" people that actually hurt more than they help. There are a lot of things we haven't thought about, that's for sure.

Today I realized I was in the middle of a "when helping hurts" situation. Before I go into the situation, I am going to explain a little of the background so you can better understand everything. When Colleen & I were in Moldova, we spent our second week with the boys in the transitional living program, teaching them English and some life skills. One of the life skills we tried to teach them was saving money for the future, or for things they would want. Well, one of the boys mentioned that he wanted a nice camera (digital SLR) and a new phone. I asked him what was wrong with his old phone. He said nothing was wrong with it, but he wanted a new phone because it had a lot of cool applications and gadgets. I tried to explain to him the difference between a NEED and a WANT, but it didn't work. He bought a new phone with his money instead of saving for the camera he wanted. Actually, he had a Canon digital SLR, but he gave it away because it didn't work quite right. He could've had it fixed cheaper than buying a new camera...

This same boy found out that I have an old Nikon D100 that is not reliable and is in need of repair. He asked me time and time again if he could have it. I made no promises, but said "I will see what I can do." He went as far as to ask one of the guys on our team (who is a photographer) if he could fix the camera so he could have it. Well, since I've been home, the only communication I have had with this boy has been about my camera. Yet again, I have made no promises.

Today he was on skype and, yet again, asked me about my camera and if it'd been fixed yet. He pleaded with me to get it fixed so he could have it. I finally had to explain to him that I could not give him my camera. I asked that he pay me $200 for it (which is WAY cheaper than I would sell it for, since it's still in great condition). He originally agreed to those terms. I explained that I could not just give him the camera because the other boys in the transitional living house would want me to give them something expensive as well. I also explained that he needed to focus more on his studies and that a camera could not distract him from his studies. I asked that he really focus on school and work harder and for the camera to be an incentive.

Well, a few minutes after agreeing to the $200 deal, he changes his mind. He says that he doesn't want to wait for it, so I should go ahead and sell it to someone else. He says that he will wait for God to give him one for free. I tried to explain to him that God doesn't always give you what you want for free. I told him that I had to work to buy that camera (that he wanted) for about $1200. God provided me with a job that paid well, so I could buy that camera.

He then got cross and sarcastic with me and "thanked me." I told him to not be upset. I explained that he made a decision to buy a new phone with his money instead of saving for a camera and that he could not expect someone else to just give him the other things he wanted (a camera). I told him that I was not trying to be mean, but I wanted him to understand that. I want you to know that it was extremely hard to be so firm with this boy, but I love him and the other boys so much and I want him to understand that he has to be willing to work for what he wants.

After this conversation, and feeling very frustrated and upset, it hit me that in our attempts to help these orphans, we'd actually done them a great disservice. We've brought them numerous things (clothing, electronics, etc.) in the hopes of bettering their lives, but in actuality, we've hurt the situation. Instead of going out and earning money to buy the things they want/need, many of them (I won't say all of them because they don't all do this) expect us (Americans) to just give it to them. We've conditioned them to rely on us to bring them what they want instead of teaching them to rely on themselves to earn money to buy what they want. We've gone with the intention of helping, but we've only made matters worse.

I encourage any of you that read this blog to really think through what you are going to do if you go overseas on a mission trip. (or anywhere for that matter) Be sure that what you are going to do will truly help, and not hurt matters. I know that my eyes were opened today to that realization and I hope yours will be too.

Never Fear! Eggplant is here!

Ok, so before I get to the Eggplant Parmesan, I want to share a delicious snack or dinner (whichever you choose) combination that I was recently introduced to by my wonderful friend, Dana. (whom I totally blame for my new-found love of these two foods)

May I introduce you to the deliciousness that is Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil Triscuits combined with Fire Roasted Red Pepper Hummus (from Harris Teeter)...

It's wonderful and very filling. I must say, I was a little skeptical since I'm not a big hummus fan to begin with, but, being the good sport that I am, I will at least give it a try. I am glad that I did because it's quite yummy. So yummy, in fact, that I went and got some for myself. I highly suggest you do the same. You'll be happy you did!

Ok, on to the Eggplant Parmesan. I was a little intimidated at first when I considered making this recipe since I've never really cooked with eggplant. My first encounter with eggplant parmesan was at my best friend's rehearsal dinner for her wedding this July. It was wonderful, so I thought I'd try to make it myself.

Here's the recipe I used (though I made a few changes from the original):

1 cup Italian breadcrumbs

1 cup Panko breadcrumbs

1 1/2 cups grated Parmesan cheese

2-3 small to medium eggplants, peeled & cut into 1/4 inch slices

4 eggs, beaten with 3 tablespoons water

2 (26 oz) jars Ragu pasta sauce (I think I used the Parmesan & Romano sauce)

1 1/2 cups shredded mozzarella cheese

Since I didn't know how to peel an eggplant, I will share with you my new-found knowledge. First, you cut off the green top, since it's hard and you can't use that part.



Next you use a potato/carrot peeler and peel the skin off. Then you slice them in 1/4 inch slices.


Now, preheat oven to 350 degrees. Combine Italian breadcrumbs, Panko breadcrumbs, and 1/2 cup Parmesan cheese in medium bowl. Dip the eggplant slices in the egg mixture, then the bread crumb mixture. Arrange eggplant slices in single layer on lightly oiled backing sheets. Bake for 25 minutes or until eggplant is golden. (I took out the sheets after about 10 minutes and flipped the eggplant over so the bottoms didn't burn.)



Here's the eggplant in the oven!



Next, evenly spread 1 cup pasta sauce in a 13 x 9 inch baking dish.

Layer 1/2 of the baked eggplant slices.

Add 1/2 cup Parmesan cheese, repeat. cover with aluminum foil and bake 45 minutes.

Remove foil and sprinkle with mozzarella cheese. Bake uncovered an additional 10 minutes or until cheese is melted.

So, in the end, eggplant isn't as scary or intimidated as I thought it would be. It's actually quite good and quite good for you. :) Enjoy! Let me know what you think of the recipe!