So Complicated, So Frustrated

Yes, I am fully aware that those are lyrics to a Carolyn Dawn Johnson song. And, unfortunately, that is the perfect description of many situations between boys (men) and girls (women). In talking with one of my good girl friends recently, I realized how many women get frustrated when they don't know what to do when it comes to the men they are interested in. (I am going to put a disclaimer here: What you are about to read below has been written by a somewhat scatter-brained female who has been running on little sleep. If this blog seems random, it's because it is.)

In most relationships (though I'm no expert here), it takes a little time to get out of the "I'm trying to look my best to impress you" phase and get into the "I've decided to just be myself because I'm tired of taking so much time to get ready and you're eventually going to have to see me the way that I am" phase. The amount of time going from phase 1 to phase 2 differs based on the couple, but you have to be patient. You will eventually get to where you are totally comfortable with the other person and you aren't trying to put up a front anymore, but you're being yourself. (though if you have been friends for quite some time, this may be easier) Guys & girls, if you think someone is worth taking a risk with, give that person some time to break out of phase 1 into phase 2. You won't necessarily get to know the true person with only 3 dates. Give him or her a chance. You would want them to do the same for you.

To better explain my point, I am going to use an example. It's like trying to find a new church. You visit one Sunday, but you can't make a decision based on one Sunday. The first week you visitied, they could've been doing things differently and it wasn't a typical Sunday. You have to visit several times to really see if that's the right place for you. You have to make an effort to get involved. In comparing this with dating, you have to be able to give the other person a chance. Give him or her some time because maybe they're a little nervous or having a bad day and you're not really getting to see that person for who he or she is.

About 2 years ago, I went on a few dates with a guy and when things fizzled, I felt like he didn't know the real me. We'd only been on 3 dates and I was still in the "I'm trying to impress you" phase and I was trying to impress him with my super straight hair and cute attire. Needless to say, once things fizzled, I found myself feeling like he hadn't really given me a chance to get to know me. Granted, it helps to be in an atmosphere that's comfortable and more relaxed (such as a hike at Radnor Lake..well, for me at least) instead of in a fancy restaurant, but we can't always be in our element all the time. What I'm saying is that we have to give people a chance and not just judge them based on one or two dates.

Sometimes it's difficult for a woman to show a man that she's interested in him without him freaking out or thinking she's too forward. The man has to be the one to take the initiative. It shows that he understands his role as a leader and that is important. The tricky thing is when a man is interested in a woman and she is interested in him, but maybe she has a hard time showing her interest in him. Will the guy continue to show interest if she doesn't seem to reciprocate? (even when she really does, but has a difficult time conveying it) This is why communication is important, but so is patience.

On the flip side, what do you do when you attract someone you aren't interested in? That's always a touchy subject. You don't want to hurt the person's feelings, but you don't want to lead that person on. Some people choose to distance themselves in hopes that the interested person would lose interest. Unfortunately, not all people get that hint, so sometimes honesty is the best route. When I say honesty, I don't mean brutal honesty. There is a difference. You can say it in a nice way without being more hurtful than you have to be.

The other issue is when you are in a relationship and the other person ends it for one reason or another, but that person doesn't give a reason. Guys, when you do this, you leave the woman wondering what is wrong with her or what she did to make you end the relationship. It doesn't matter if you tell her that it's not her fault. She will blame herself. In order to save her the time that she will spend over-analyzing the situation and hating herself, please just do her a favor and give her a valid reason for ending the relationship. Closure can be painful, but it helps you move on. Be honest and explain why you feel like the relationship needs to end. If it is some strange quirk that she may have, please tell her (nicely) so that she can be aware of it and maybe work on it. Girls, I'm not saying that just because one guy doesn't like one of your quirks that you have to change. I believe that God has someone out there for each of us that is perfect for us and who will love our flaws and quirks. Guys, please please please, save women the time and be honest with us. (and if possible, please give closure when ending a relationship)

In writing this blog, I am realizing all the more how much women really do blame themselves for the demise of their relationships. (whether it's their fault or not) I wish I better understood why we immediately question ourselves and think we must be unattractive or horrible people because one guy has decided we're not right for him. I think sometimes it has to do with our own self-esteem. We have to be confident enough in who we are so that we're not looking for validation from someone else. I'm not saying that's always the case, but it could be part of the problem. Even though break-ups can be really painful (believe me, I've been there), I think the important thing to focus on is that God has someone out there for each of us. Why waste your time crying over a guy or girl who isn't interested in you?

One more thing before my eyes shut permanently....I want you to read this next sentence VERY carefully. It may change your life. Are you ready? Ok... You DO NOT have to be perfect to be in a relationship. (*gasp!*) You don't have to be at a certain point to be in a relationship. If you are waiting for that time, you may miss out on a great relationship because you will never be perfect. In a relationship, both people work together to help each other through their frustrations, problems, and issues. That's how you grow together. You need to be open and honest and share what you're struggling with because then you know how to support one another and pray for one another. That's what relationships are all about.

So, despite my randomness and sleepy brain, I hope I conveyed something to you that will help along your journey. I'd love to hear any more thoughts/comments on the subject too, so comment away!

Guys, Girls & Communication

Roughly a week ago, a group of friends got together and while we were hanging out, the topic of communication differences between men and women was brought up. I feel the need to elaborate on it since, as of late, I am becoming ever more aware of how different our definitions of "communication" really are. Of course, I will be sharing a female perspective of communication, so, if anyone on the male side would like to contribute some thoughts, you are welcome to do so. I also would like to touch on some common misconceptions that men may have about women.

First, let’s start with communication. Communication, according to dictionary.com is: “the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.” With today’s technology, we can add voicemail, text message, or facebook to the levels of communication. Now, guys, I want to let you in on the key to making a relationship work. Are you ready for this? You might need to take notes, because you’ll want to remember this in the future. The key to a successful and happy relationship is COMMUNICATION.

Yep. It’s really that simple, but the different definitions of communication play an important role. Both men and women need to know the other’s perspective in order to know how to accurately and effectively communicate to one another.

Somehow, some men think that good communication is contacting a woman once a week or maybe once every two weeks. I want to let you in on a secret…if you contact a woman you are interested in once a week or once every two weeks, she more than likely will be dating someone who is showing a little more interest (through a lot more communication) or she won’t think you’re all that interested. If you’re interested in a woman, step up and take a risk. Now, I know what I’m about to say may be frightening to those of you with commitment issues, but bear with me. In a marriage relationship (yes, I said marriage), it is the man’s role to be the spiritual LEADER. If you are going to be the leader of your family one day, you should start showing that you have what it takes to be a leader. (this means that you step up and pursue a woman you are interested in because she deserves to be pursued) You show her that you are capable of leading through the way you pursue. If you play “the game” of waiting however many days to call her after your date because you’re afraid you’ll seem desperate, then all I have to say is…grow up. You shouldn't be surprised that I brought marriage into all of this because, isn't the purpose of dating to find out if the person you are in a relationship with is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?

When you get to be in your mid-20s & early 30s, you get to a point where you’re too old to play games. The whole “rules” that whoever came up with for when to call after a date, etc. are juvenile. You just need to be honest. If you’re interested, say so. If you’re not, say so. I want to be clear that I’m not suggesting that you bluntly speak your mind, because there’s a difference between being honest and being blunt. Be honest and politely explain yourself.

So, are you still with me? I think I hear crickets... Well, if you weren’t run off by my reference to marriage, then I think there’s hope for you yet. So, back to communication… I want to clarify that my opinion about communication is just that, my opinion. I can’t speak for all women and say that everyone wants to be communicated to in the same way, but I am sharing my personal thoughts and opinions.

Personally, I consider good communication in a relationship to involve honesty, plenty of discussions, and understanding (and with understanding, include grace). When I’m in a relationship, I don’t need to talk to the guy all the time or know where he is or what he’s doing all the time either. If he chooses to give me that information, that’s perfectly fine. The biggest thing for me is honesty. If the guy I’m in a relationship is dealing with something and it affects our relationship, I would want him to be honest with me and tell me about it. If, out of the blue, he was struck with the fear of commitment, I would hope he would share that with me and not just abandon me and run for the hills. Eventually, that fear will come right back and he’d be in the same situation all over again.

Here’s a common misconception that many people have about relationships. They think that before they can get in a relationship, they have to be at a certain point or they have to have everything under control. **News flash** You won’t EVER have control of everything and you’ll never be perfect, so just forget that thought now. You need to be able to work through those things with the other person. That’s what brings you closer together and makes you stronger.

I know that honesty isn’t as easy as it seems and I don’t want you to think I’m likening every situation to my conclusions. I’m just sharing from my own experiences.

Another note to add to communication, if a man is in a relationship and needs some space or needs time to figure some things out, he just needs to communicate that to the woman. Don’t just disappear and be unreachable for days or even weeks. Women tend to jump to conclusions and think they’ve done something wrong or that something bad has happened, etc. We really put ourselves through an emotional rollercoaster when you disappear like that. Just simply say that you’re trying to figure some things out and need a little space and you’ll call in a few days. (or however long, but give a time frame) If you don’t think you can explain that over the phone, send a text message or email, but don’t just drop off the radar without at least taking into consideration her feelings and what she might think. If you say that you need space, we’re happy to give it to you. We understand that there are times you’re going to need to figure things out and so will we...just communicate that. K?

Also… SOON is not an adequate definition of time. If a guy tells a girl he’ll call her “soon”, to her that means in a day or two, but to him that may mean next week. Be more specific. Instead of “soon”, say, “I’ll call you later this week” or “I’ll call you on Wednesday” or whatever…but “soon” doesn’t convey that you’re interested. “I’ll be in touch” is another vague statement used all too frequently. It almost makes it sound like you’re so busy that you can’t possibly take 2 minutes out of your busy schedule to make a phone call. If you’re interested, take initiative. Make a plan. Plan ahead.

As I mentioned earlier, in a relationship, I think that understanding and grace are important. As different as men and women are in our thought processes, we’re bound to fail and misunderstand each other, creating frustration. This is where grace and mercy come in. We are all sinful creatures who aren’t perfect. We’re going to mess up and when we do, we have to offer mercy and grace to one another.

Women really aren’t as complicated as men think we are. We just need communication. Now that this is reaching the novel stage (and your hand is probably cramping from all the notes you've taken), I am going to bring this to a close. If you have anything to contribute or have any questions, feel free to add them in the comment section. Guys, I hope this helps you understand women a little bit better. I plan on writing more blogs in the future that will help you in your relationships or your search for the woman God has for you.

Now, give communication a try!