In most relationships (though I'm no expert here), it takes a little time to get out of the "I'm trying to look my best to impress you" phase and get into the "I've decided to just be myself because I'm tired of taking so much time to get ready and you're eventually going to have to see me the way that I am" phase. The amount of time going from phase 1 to phase 2 differs based on the couple, but you have to be patient. You will eventually get to where you are totally comfortable with the other person and you aren't trying to put up a front anymore, but you're being yourself. (though if you have been friends for quite some time, this may be easier) Guys & girls, if you think someone is worth taking a risk with, give that person some time to break out of phase 1 into phase 2. You won't necessarily get to know the true person with only 3 dates. Give him or her a chance. You would want them to do the same for you.
To better explain my point, I am going to use an example. It's like trying to find a new church. You visit one Sunday, but you can't make a decision based on one Sunday. The first week you visitied, they could've been doing things differently and it wasn't a typical Sunday. You have to visit several times to really see if that's the right place for you. You have to make an effort to get involved. In comparing this with dating, you have to be able to give the other person a chance. Give him or her some time because maybe they're a little nervous or having a bad day and you're not really getting to see that person for who he or she is.
About 2 years ago, I went on a few dates with a guy and when things fizzled, I felt like he didn't know the real me. We'd only been on 3 dates and I was still in the "I'm trying to impress you" phase and I was trying to impress him with my super straight hair and cute attire. Needless to say, once things fizzled, I found myself feeling like he hadn't really given me a chance to get to know me. Granted, it helps to be in an atmosphere that's comfortable and more relaxed (such as a hike at Radnor Lake..well, for me at least) instead of in a fancy restaurant, but we can't always be in our element all the time. What I'm saying is that we have to give people a chance and not just judge them based on one or two dates.
Sometimes it's difficult for a woman to show a man that she's interested in him without him freaking out or thinking she's too forward. The man has to be the one to take the initiative. It shows that he understands his role as a leader and that is important. The tricky thing is when a man is interested in a woman and she is interested in him, but maybe she has a hard time showing her interest in him. Will the guy continue to show interest if she doesn't seem to reciprocate? (even when she really does, but has a difficult time conveying it) This is why communication is important, but so is patience.
On the flip side, what do you do when you attract someone you aren't interested in? That's always a touchy subject. You don't want to hurt the person's feelings, but you don't want to lead that person on. Some people choose to distance themselves in hopes that the interested person would lose interest. Unfortunately, not all people get that hint, so sometimes honesty is the best route. When I say honesty, I don't mean brutal honesty. There is a difference. You can say it in a nice way without being more hurtful than you have to be.
The other issue is when you are in a relationship and the other person ends it for one reason or another, but that person doesn't give a reason. Guys, when you do this, you leave the woman wondering what is wrong with her or what she did to make you end the relationship. It doesn't matter if you tell her that it's not her fault. She will blame herself. In order to save her the time that she will spend over-analyzing the situation and hating herself, please just do her a favor and give her a valid reason for ending the relationship. Closure can be painful, but it helps you move on. Be honest and explain why you feel like the relationship needs to end. If it is some strange quirk that she may have, please tell her (nicely) so that she can be aware of it and maybe work on it. Girls, I'm not saying that just because one guy doesn't like one of your quirks that you have to change. I believe that God has someone out there for each of us that is perfect for us and who will love our flaws and quirks. Guys, please please please, save women the time and be honest with us. (and if possible, please give closure when ending a relationship)
In writing this blog, I am realizing all the more how much women really do blame themselves for the demise of their relationships. (whether it's their fault or not) I wish I better understood why we immediately question ourselves and think we must be unattractive or horrible people because one guy has decided we're not right for him. I think sometimes it has to do with our own self-esteem. We have to be confident enough in who we are so that we're not looking for validation from someone else. I'm not saying that's always the case, but it could be part of the problem. Even though break-ups can be really painful (believe me, I've been there), I think the important thing to focus on is that God has someone out there for each of us. Why waste your time crying over a guy or girl who isn't interested in you?
One more thing before my eyes shut permanently....I want you to read this next sentence VERY carefully. It may change your life. Are you ready? Ok... You DO NOT have to be perfect to be in a relationship. (*gasp!*) You don't have to be at a certain point to be in a relationship. If you are waiting for that time, you may miss out on a great relationship because you will never be perfect. In a relationship, both people work together to help each other through their frustrations, problems, and issues. That's how you grow together. You need to be open and honest and share what you're struggling with because then you know how to support one another and pray for one another. That's what relationships are all about.
So, despite my randomness and sleepy brain, I hope I conveyed something to you that will help along your journey. I'd love to hear any more thoughts/comments on the subject too, so comment away!
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