Guys, Girls & Communication

Roughly a week ago, a group of friends got together and while we were hanging out, the topic of communication differences between men and women was brought up. I feel the need to elaborate on it since, as of late, I am becoming ever more aware of how different our definitions of "communication" really are. Of course, I will be sharing a female perspective of communication, so, if anyone on the male side would like to contribute some thoughts, you are welcome to do so. I also would like to touch on some common misconceptions that men may have about women.

First, let’s start with communication. Communication, according to dictionary.com is: “the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.” With today’s technology, we can add voicemail, text message, or facebook to the levels of communication. Now, guys, I want to let you in on the key to making a relationship work. Are you ready for this? You might need to take notes, because you’ll want to remember this in the future. The key to a successful and happy relationship is COMMUNICATION.

Yep. It’s really that simple, but the different definitions of communication play an important role. Both men and women need to know the other’s perspective in order to know how to accurately and effectively communicate to one another.

Somehow, some men think that good communication is contacting a woman once a week or maybe once every two weeks. I want to let you in on a secret…if you contact a woman you are interested in once a week or once every two weeks, she more than likely will be dating someone who is showing a little more interest (through a lot more communication) or she won’t think you’re all that interested. If you’re interested in a woman, step up and take a risk. Now, I know what I’m about to say may be frightening to those of you with commitment issues, but bear with me. In a marriage relationship (yes, I said marriage), it is the man’s role to be the spiritual LEADER. If you are going to be the leader of your family one day, you should start showing that you have what it takes to be a leader. (this means that you step up and pursue a woman you are interested in because she deserves to be pursued) You show her that you are capable of leading through the way you pursue. If you play “the game” of waiting however many days to call her after your date because you’re afraid you’ll seem desperate, then all I have to say is…grow up. You shouldn't be surprised that I brought marriage into all of this because, isn't the purpose of dating to find out if the person you are in a relationship with is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with?

When you get to be in your mid-20s & early 30s, you get to a point where you’re too old to play games. The whole “rules” that whoever came up with for when to call after a date, etc. are juvenile. You just need to be honest. If you’re interested, say so. If you’re not, say so. I want to be clear that I’m not suggesting that you bluntly speak your mind, because there’s a difference between being honest and being blunt. Be honest and politely explain yourself.

So, are you still with me? I think I hear crickets... Well, if you weren’t run off by my reference to marriage, then I think there’s hope for you yet. So, back to communication… I want to clarify that my opinion about communication is just that, my opinion. I can’t speak for all women and say that everyone wants to be communicated to in the same way, but I am sharing my personal thoughts and opinions.

Personally, I consider good communication in a relationship to involve honesty, plenty of discussions, and understanding (and with understanding, include grace). When I’m in a relationship, I don’t need to talk to the guy all the time or know where he is or what he’s doing all the time either. If he chooses to give me that information, that’s perfectly fine. The biggest thing for me is honesty. If the guy I’m in a relationship is dealing with something and it affects our relationship, I would want him to be honest with me and tell me about it. If, out of the blue, he was struck with the fear of commitment, I would hope he would share that with me and not just abandon me and run for the hills. Eventually, that fear will come right back and he’d be in the same situation all over again.

Here’s a common misconception that many people have about relationships. They think that before they can get in a relationship, they have to be at a certain point or they have to have everything under control. **News flash** You won’t EVER have control of everything and you’ll never be perfect, so just forget that thought now. You need to be able to work through those things with the other person. That’s what brings you closer together and makes you stronger.

I know that honesty isn’t as easy as it seems and I don’t want you to think I’m likening every situation to my conclusions. I’m just sharing from my own experiences.

Another note to add to communication, if a man is in a relationship and needs some space or needs time to figure some things out, he just needs to communicate that to the woman. Don’t just disappear and be unreachable for days or even weeks. Women tend to jump to conclusions and think they’ve done something wrong or that something bad has happened, etc. We really put ourselves through an emotional rollercoaster when you disappear like that. Just simply say that you’re trying to figure some things out and need a little space and you’ll call in a few days. (or however long, but give a time frame) If you don’t think you can explain that over the phone, send a text message or email, but don’t just drop off the radar without at least taking into consideration her feelings and what she might think. If you say that you need space, we’re happy to give it to you. We understand that there are times you’re going to need to figure things out and so will we...just communicate that. K?

Also… SOON is not an adequate definition of time. If a guy tells a girl he’ll call her “soon”, to her that means in a day or two, but to him that may mean next week. Be more specific. Instead of “soon”, say, “I’ll call you later this week” or “I’ll call you on Wednesday” or whatever…but “soon” doesn’t convey that you’re interested. “I’ll be in touch” is another vague statement used all too frequently. It almost makes it sound like you’re so busy that you can’t possibly take 2 minutes out of your busy schedule to make a phone call. If you’re interested, take initiative. Make a plan. Plan ahead.

As I mentioned earlier, in a relationship, I think that understanding and grace are important. As different as men and women are in our thought processes, we’re bound to fail and misunderstand each other, creating frustration. This is where grace and mercy come in. We are all sinful creatures who aren’t perfect. We’re going to mess up and when we do, we have to offer mercy and grace to one another.

Women really aren’t as complicated as men think we are. We just need communication. Now that this is reaching the novel stage (and your hand is probably cramping from all the notes you've taken), I am going to bring this to a close. If you have anything to contribute or have any questions, feel free to add them in the comment section. Guys, I hope this helps you understand women a little bit better. I plan on writing more blogs in the future that will help you in your relationships or your search for the woman God has for you.

Now, give communication a try!